Not dead yet! Just a bit distracted and my attention has been fragmented

...and just to respond to a recent query, no, I am not dead yet.
I will admit to neglecting this blog for well over a year now.
I think it may be time to reinvigorate things, yet again.  Things are so much better now.  When I tell you that you need to give the body and the mind time to heal after significant trauma, believe me.
My physical being is so much better.
My intellectual being, and my emotional being are back on track.
That which is my creative being is well on its way to finding the balance point again.
And all the crap at work that arose from my stroke and the mediocrity the business was being infused with has begun to change for the better.
Things change.  Just give it all some time.  Recognize the slow evolution of change, and the new normal.  New normal may simply be a re balancing of the old that's taking a bit of time you consider a waste of time.  I've said it before; don't rush it.  Work at it, but be patient with yourself.  It is all changing and getting to the point where you will be comfortable with yourself and with your world.  Its all about transitioning.  So much of the changes, and the re balancing is hard to see up close.  Get someone with some distance to take a look for you and advise you.

I may just transcribe my handwritten journals to help illustrate the point.

floundering in a sea of conflicting emotions

I'm not having a good time here... there's a constant rotation through the more negative emotions and feeling that seem to drive me towards a collision course with depression.  Anxiety and uncertainty are taking their toll.  The sad thing is that there is no reason for most of it.
Well, to be fair, the milestone birthday that just passed has made me re-evaluate my preparedness for retirement, and it ain't good.  So, is that fuelling the slide towards the bottom?  Between that harsh reality and the challenges at work I've finding it very difficult to maintain the sense of optimism I try to approach most things with.  Unfortunately I find huge inadequacies in what I'm doing, and capable of doing.
Wow!
This is post stroke stress.  This isn't me.  I do hope it isn't the me I'm becoming because of the stroke.  That wouldn't be fair.  This certainly has nothing to do with the cancer.
The other concern is that this may be a physical thing, like an imbalance in blood sugars.




there's a longer post on this topic coming.  In the meantime, have a look at the stroke site.

Heart and Stroke Canada

Long term Memory is fine...

Yes, what has happened recently is classed as a form of stroke;  hemorrhagic. This was a 'bleed' rather than a clot... so what happened was that blood pooled in my brain and caused a bit of bruising.  As of this past Friday's CT scan, the blood has been absorbed, most of the swelling has gone down, and there is some minimal residual bruising (edema).
But let me just assure my friends and acquaintances that my memory is functioning nearly perfectly.  I still remember where all the bodies are buried, and what shoes you were wearing at the time....

;)