A thought for survivors

" I am not what happened to me. I am who I choose to become.”

—

Carl Jung

Living in my head and dealing with self-talk since the 'incident'.

There are a lot of rooms in my head, and always have been, but since the cerebral hemorrhage/stroke I have been taking inventory, visiting each of them to ensure that they aren’t empty, that everything is still there.  Oh sure, there is a certain amount  of disarray in the mansion that is my mind.  Its actualy quite roomy, and hasn’t been a studio type apartment for decades.  I haven’t really checked the place out for a while, so why would it surprise me to that  furniture has been moved around, and there are a lot of dust covered knick knacks and objet d’art, old books, music and odd little items that I had forgotten about that are demanding my attention?  There is  still so much more that needs exploring and re-examination to truly bring myself up to date on who I have become and how I got to here.  To be totally honest and truthful about it, I am spending way too much time in my head instead of getting on with the business of living my life as it is now.  And quite seriously, there isn’t a whole lot wrong with my life, even post stroke.  I’m not a stroked out zombie, even though I am still questioning part of my cognitive capabilities and ‘executive functioning’.  And of course, there is always the question of what to do about the ‘attention deficit’ which I continue to insist was there before the stroke.  If it didn’t or doesn’t hold any interest for me I have always been apt to promptly dismiss it, selfishly in some cases, and often the dismissal has been dependant on who was presenting.  The stroke has just become a convenient point for my family to leverage it, to be able to get me to focus on it without unduly riling me.  But as I explore the rooms in my head, I have discovered that I am easily irritated when disturbed.  My patience wears thin with the basic situation I am in.

Oh yes, and I do find myself obsessing about some things, like the status of my disability insurance claims and the technologies in the house that need updating and replacing, and the bloody awful weather, not to mention my dependence on family and friends to get around.  Complicate it all by stirring in the promises that I made to myself about what I would actually try to accomplish while I was off work, and the new dramas and traumas that are being reported to me by my team at work, and the antics of my darling wife’s family.  The frustration of my visual deficits just completes the distortions of an otherwise charmed life.

One of the core challenges with being off work, socially disconnected and forced into a situation that I have caught myself describing as being similar to ‘house arrest’, and the ‘living in my head’ is the temptation and the ease with which I can fall into patterns of negative ‘self talk’.

‘Self-talk’ itself is an interesting phenomenon.  I’m starting to think that self-talk is not that different than openly talking to yourself, the only difference being that at some point you cross the line to wanting to be able to speak it, and hear it, to understand the statements and questions you’re making.  So what is ‘self-talk’?  Well think of yourself sitting on the sofa watching television, be it the latest Ellen DeGeneres episode, or some sporting event.  At some point you get up to get a beer, or a cup of tea.  Normally you’d do this fairly instinctively.  Self-Talk is when you actually form the sentence in your head; “I think I’ll have a beer”.  It’s not about the getting up and getting it.  Its about the forming of the sentence in your mind that you then respond to.

I’ve heard the old saw that goes something like “at least when I talk to myself I know someone is listening, and I usually get the answers I want”.  But not all self-talk is as innocuous as it would seem.  Self-Talk in stressful situations and especially after a brain injury is your mind finding an alternate way to process thoughts and could be construed as a way that you are adding structure to your thinking by consciously forming the sentences in your head, that may never be spoken out loud.

As I wander through he rooms in my head, I indulge in the self-talk, often with statements like ‘well, that was dumb’, or more positive affirmations like ‘I can do better than that’.  But self-talk as a focusing mechanism has the downside of amplifying as well as focusing and in a lot of cases, we’re not at our best and we use the self-talk to focus on and amplify our less than stellar behaviours.  Remembering the assumption that we are the sum of our experiences, and that our core values and beliefs guide us through our day to day activities, self-talk latches on to those beliefs and values and can amplify and distort how we behave.  All that stuff that we have been internalizing over the years to help us move easily through the world and the way we interact with society and the people closest to us can become huge liabilities as we pursue recovery.  Our basic thought processes which are guided by our internalized learnings become the basis for self-talk which then become the situational reactions that those around us see.  On one level it becomes a bit frustrating because where we function perfectly well without self-talk on a regular basis, except for the occasional affirmation, when we’re ill, or dealing with the aftershocks of something as traumatic as a brain injury or stroke, we use self-talk a lot to get things back in perspective.  Is this the right approach or is it wrong?  I don’t know, but I do know that it has been helpful to me especially in the early days when I was coaching myself along the path to recovery, but now I’m finding it out of control.

Cognitive models basically suggest the following sequence and interdependencies.  So let’s assume we are presented with a ‘situation’.  Our powerful minds dip into our life experiences and teachings and sift through the core beliefs, learned responses and cultural biases to present the conscious mind with the automatic thoughts we’re used to using to move forward in the world, or with the language of self-talk to help us focus.  The automatic thought generation or the self-talk is a precursor or complimentary response to the overall reaction to the situation.  The Reaction is usually emotional, behavioural or physical.

The challenge with self-talk is that it both focuses and amplifies, and self-talk can then become very harsh and negative and can reinforce a slide into depression by amplifying anxieties.  We must maintain control.  Some of our beliefs and values about who and what we are may become unreasonable or unfair in light of a life changing event such as a brain injury.  We have to become flexible and compassionate about ourselves and our capabilities.

Buying a new car...Volkswagen in Canada, Norden Autohaus, and the Tiguan

We've recently had a most satisfying experience buying a new car.  We hate buying cars.  The experience usually leaves us angry and totally frustrated with the concept of 'commission' sales and extremely disappointed with the salesman, the sales manager and the dealership in general.  We've been 'burned' in the past and resolved not to go through it all again.  In fact we had threatened to make our son-in-law handle our next vehicle acquisition.

We've been dithering around this decision for the last year but we did finally decide that it was time to seriously investigate replacing our ageing Jeep Liberty.  Our Jeep has served us well.  Imagine our disappointment when we came to realize that Chrysler/Jeep had decided some years ago not to continue to make the Liberty but instead chose to produce inadequate products like the Patriot.  Hell, we might even have considered the Jeep Commander if we had determined that it met our needs as an urban four wheel drive alternate to the Liberty.  

We did our due diligence; we spent time trying to visit as many of the dealerships in our neighbourhood that had vehicles of the class and in the price range that we thought were appropriate for us. Even this simple act of window shopping was a huge challenge for us because of our schedule, and the severity of the local winter this year.  I do have to say that the arrogance of the dealerships that decided that they wouldn't be open on Sundays in a regional culture that supports Sunday shopping were all given a miss when it came down to the final decision making.  I mean, for heaven's sake; I can go spend thousands on furniture, electronics and almost anything in this community including a new home on a Sunday, but then you tell me I can't shop for a new car.  Somebody out there is out of touch with the reality of this community and region.  

So we did the research on line and especially with the help of the latest Consumer Reports for the 2014 model year and weren't able to get near more than two dealerships before we narrowed down our choices.  

Those dealerships that refused to be available on Sundays probably saved us from a repeat of the anguish and anger we've experienced in the past with slick sales guys, intractable sales managers and  the pushy business managers masquerading as finance guys with their incessant attempts to up sell on us on all the little things that have the most margin for the dealership, like extended warranties and rust proofing and upholstery conditioning and rock chip protection.  Quite honestly, if those items are so damned important but a vehicle manufacturer doesn't see that it is important enough to build it into the basic product then I don't want the product, as it is obviously substandard and what's worse is that their own sales and distribution network doesn't even trust the product. 

 Anyway after the analysis using on-line resources and the Consumer Reports documentation We decided to take a detailed look at and try to arrange a test drive of a suite of four choices; the Volkswagen Tiguan, the Hyundai Santa Fe with a quick look at the Tucson for good measure, the Toyota Highlander and the Jeep Cherokee.

We went with the Valkswagen Tiguan from Norden Autohaus.  The Hyundai product was a strong second choice, and in fact we might have considered the Tucson.  The Toyota Highlander is a lovely vehicle but a bit pricey.  We have no idea what the Cherokee is like.  Speaking of arrogance, what is with Chrysler running that massive ad campaign and then not providing vehicles to the dealerships to meet the demand?  Oh, and probably the tipping point that drove us away from the Cherokee was running into another of 'god's gift to vehicle sales' which didn't help the Chrysler/Jeep dealership's chances at at all.  We're very disappointed with Chrysler Jeep.

The sales team at Norden Autohaus were exceptional!  We'd recommend visiting them any time you are in the market for a vehicle, new or used.  Seriously.  give them a look.  they are part of the GoAuto network and they seem to work really hard.

So now in our garage we have two Volkswagens, being an EOS and a Tiguan, and then of course there is the obligatory motorcycle, while languishing out on the parking pad we have the Jeep Liberty which I can't quite bear to part with just yet.  Wait?!  What?!  The motorcycle isn't obligatory for a guy on the wrong side of fifty?  Who said?!!  They must be wrong.  Its definitely more important than a darned boat when you live this far inland and away from any decent lakes.  And those ATVs and sleds are just plain silly if you don't have some decent recreational property to tear up.