floundering in a sea of conflicting emotions

I'm not having a good time here... there's a constant rotation through the more negative emotions and feeling that seem to drive me towards a collision course with depression.  Anxiety and uncertainty are taking their toll.  The sad thing is that there is no reason for most of it.
Well, to be fair, the milestone birthday that just passed has made me re-evaluate my preparedness for retirement, and it ain't good.  So, is that fuelling the slide towards the bottom?  Between that harsh reality and the challenges at work I've finding it very difficult to maintain the sense of optimism I try to approach most things with.  Unfortunately I find huge inadequacies in what I'm doing, and capable of doing.
Wow!
This is post stroke stress.  This isn't me.  I do hope it isn't the me I'm becoming because of the stroke.  That wouldn't be fair.  This certainly has nothing to do with the cancer.
The other concern is that this may be a physical thing, like an imbalance in blood sugars.




there's a longer post on this topic coming.  In the meantime, have a look at the stroke site.

Heart and Stroke Canada

Another take on the Akabutu's Mouthwash recipe

Here is another breakdown of the recipe I've discovered:

 From what I've been able to discover through my research of various channels Dr. Akabutu’s mouthwash is made up of 60 cc of xylocaine viscous (2%), 50 ml of nystatin suspension (100,000 U/ml), 125 ml of normal saline, 60 mg of hydrocortisone (three tablets of 20 mg), and 3 to 5 ml of glycerine.  this should give you and a total volume of 240 ml. The instructions that normally go with the use of the mouthwash are to shake it well, then swish 30 ml of solution around the mouth and throat for one minute and to spit out the excess.  In my case, the 'swishing' wasn't enough; I gargled with it to ensure that I got more coverage in my throat.  So this every four to six hours as needed. Most of the advice I have found around the use of the mouth says some like; whenever possible, patients should also avoid eating or drinking for approximately 30 minutes after its use.

I hope this is helpful!

Eat Well, Sleep Well, Move With Purpose

In my experience, looking forward and behind me from where I now find myself, trying to understand the different paths my various journeys have taken me on, I've come to believe that the road to recovery, and the maintenance of whatever balance you need to find with your body and your mind is predicated on a simple mantra that can be applied to how you live your life at every stage;
Eat Well, Sleep Well, Move with Purpose.

Yes, I know its been said before in many different ways, the one that comes closest is the Eat well, Sleep Well, Exercise phrasing we hear occasionally.

Of course diet is always important, and always has been.  Not only do we need to be aware of what our body's nutritional needs are at every stage in our lives, but we need to eat the 'right' stuff.  We need to maintain a balanced caloric intake that takes into account our activity levels, and not to avoid the temptation to over eat.  This also applies to what we drink; hydrate!!  We need to make sure that we are taking in the right amount of fluids.  The consumption of booze is another of the points for serious discussion that often become arguments, but to that I will just say, apply the rules of  'moderation'.

We under estimate the need for good sleep patterns.  Research shows it, and its popping up in the news/media again.

Move with  Purpose means, on balance just what it sounds like; get moving, get exercising, but do it for a reason, with an end state in mind.

#Eat well, Sleep well, Move With Purpose

The shift in space and reality because of a shift in Geography

I am sitting just outside a café in Merseyside, in the United Kingdom, reflecting on the differences between the culture I live in, and the cultures here.  It is odd that there are so many differences, on one level, because my family is a Canadian reflection of the culture here, being offshoots of families that still live in England, Wales and Ireland.  Yet the way we approach life in my corner of Canada is different, and largely driven by climate, populating density and a cost-of-living discordance.  What I pay a loonies/dollar for in Canada, I am paying a pound for in the UK.  That sounds okay on the surface, but when you note that the exchange rate is approximately 1.9 to  1, almost a 2 to 1 ratio, it makes little sense.  So a one dollar chocolate bar becomes 2 dollars, so quickly. You can quickly get confused if you try to compare the currencies using anything like an apples to oranges measure.  But the other harmonic in this is that the monies being earned here are equivalent and there is the balance point.  Huh?  Basically what I mean is that the Brits earn in pounds and spend in pounds.  If I worked here I would earn in pounds and spend in pounds.  The dissonance goes away....  it is only when you are working to match apples to apples does the apparent inequity show up.  Don't do it; its a tough one to try to balance when you're on vacation.

Did I mention that I am somewhat surprised by the number of middle agers (50 something's to mid sixties) who are just wandering about, doing errands, looking after toddlers, and generally going about their business of living outside of 'business'.  For instance, a fifty-something man just strolled by with a loaf of bread under his arm, an older woman just wheeled a toddler by on her way to visit friends over a coffee.  This little village with a road running through it that feels like a fairly major artery is idyllic on the surface, but teeming with activity underneath the surface.

Sorry; this post is a bit of a ramble.  I needed to write something, but couldn't focus on my book or on the technical blog posts...

Have fun!

Another turn around the sun, and a milestone birthday come and gone

I suppose that I should acknowledge, based on years of observation, that some people have significant challenges with the ‘milestone’ birthdays.  Some folk revel in them, basking in the glow of achievement and celebration, some are seriously afraid of them and what they perceive them to mean about the progression of their lives.  Each milestone means we are older.  Each milestone can also be used as a marker of where we should be in our lives in terms of career, family, relationships and so many more silly little things that are defined by the society we choose to live in, bumping up against the framework for success that the society creates.  And of course the moment you subscribe to or endorse any such framework, it becomes the yardstick by which we measure our lives.  The measuring is what I'm pretty sure is the disturbing part for many.  What have you achieved?  How do you deserve to celebrate, or be celebrated at this particular milestone?

Okay, so I have hit a serious milestone but to me it really is just another birthday.  The difference for me though is that each birthday is a celebration; I’ve lived another year defying the odds.  And that’s what is important to me.  I got slammed with a life threatening cancer some years ago, and then the hemorrhagic stroke two years ago.  Each birthday says “I’m not done!” which is either due to my own stubborn naiveté or the universe acknowledging that my contribution to the world is inadequate and I need to top things up a bit.   

Paraphrasing the lyrics to a song here; another turn around the sun, another year gone, but the work still not done.

Broke a tooth!

Oh for crying out loud!  Last night while we were out to an event at a local 'hall' I broke a piece off a molar.

there is no pain or anything that traumatic.

My concern is that the radiation and chemo therapy is finally catching up with me, five years later.
Not only have I had to undergo a root canal recently, but now this tooth has started to come apart.  The way the piece came away reminds me of glaciers calving ice bergs.

Send me a note to call me on my behaviours!

If you find that this blog has not been updated within a two week period, please send a note or comment to that effect.  the blog was intended to connect with others who have had the same challenges, or just generally to stay 'in the world' rather than retreating into some sort of intellectual hibernation.  Not to remain as current as possible in this day of social media is just plain silly.  Help me to stay current... give me a virtual poke, a pinch, a kick in the pants, to remind me.

Thanks!!